Advice,  Masturbation,  relationships

Solosexual Dating

Does being solosexual mean being alone? I don’t think so. While there are many people who can’t imagine a relationship without sex I would say there are just as many in which it is not that big of a deal. In reality, 20% of relationships are sexless and up to 19% of men and 40% of women avoid sex at some point in their lives. While those numbers seem small they translate to millions of people; with the help of the internet dating as a solosexual is more possible now than ever. 

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Temper Your Expectations

Dating is hard. There are a million reasons why you may not fit with someone and thats without adding in a niche sexuality. Don’t fall in love with every person you swipe right on and try not to give yourself time limits to finding the right person. Your single life can, and should, be just as rewarding and fulfilling as life in a relationship, so don’t hang everything on the idea of a perfect partner. 

In fact, I recommend giving up on the idea of a perfect partner in general. It’s always good to know your boundaries and deal breakers, but otherwise keep an open mind. You may not end up with a solosexual partner, in a traditional relationship, or in any relationship at all. 

The fact is, no one on this earth owes any other person the opportunity to be intimate- physically or emotionally- with them. It’s a privilege- it’s icing on the cake. Keeping this in mind is always a healthy way to combat a lot of negativity when dealing with ending relationships or rejections. 

Be Upfront

If you ask anyone that knows me they will tell you that I’m honest to a fault. I tell my prospective partners anything they ask- oftentimes I introduce the worst parts of myself first in some weird type of self preservation.
I’m not saying you should be introduce yourself on the first date as “Greg the Masturbator”, but when the topic of sex and intimacy comes up you need to rip off the bandaid. The longer you go without telling the person (or god forbid the longer you go having unwanted sexual experiences) the harder it will be to admit what you actually want.
Not only does it get harder to confess the truth as your relationship progresses, but the opportunity for resentment to build on both sides grows exponentially. The solo will resent having to engage in behaviors they aren’t comfortable with and the ignorant partner will be left with a sneaking feeling that you are unsatisfied or unattracted to them (this can destroy someone’s self esteem from the inside out).

Embrace and Celebrate Rejection

This is one of the hardest pieces of advice to take. Personally, rejection devastates me harder than any malicious act. I understand how it feels to like or love someone who just doesn’t feel the same way. When it comes to dating as an open solosexual you will probably get a lot of rejections- many that are also tied with the person’s uneducated opinions about what your lack of interest in sex means. Try to take everything you hear with a grain of salt. If solo is your sexuality nothing these people say will change that anyway. If it does, perhaps your time identifying as a solosexual is over and you can begin your journey in a new direction. 

Either way, getting turned down by someone you aren’t compatible with is a blessing in disguise. It is much better to break up with someone with different sexual needs now, than to send years, even decades, of your life unhappy. 

Work on Yourself

Maybe you have been open with everyone and you’ve even found a few solo women, men, or NB friends to chat with. Perhaps you’ve gone on a few dates but they’ve all been unsuccessful. The chances are, there is something in your life sending out red flags. 

If you are struggling with dating, before you blame being solo, consider the following:

  • Hygiene
    • Do you take care of yourself? Brush your teeth? Shower regularly? If you don’t put in the effort to care for yourself you are sending out a huge message to everyone that you A. Do not have the energy to put into yourself, and therefore do not have the energy for a relationship and B. Would probably be a nightmare to live with, because a lack of hygiene usually indicates a lack of care for your home. 
  • Attitude
    • Are you a glass half empty type?  Is your default setting “angry” or “depressed”? Many times these are personality types that can wear down on another person, and sometimes they can indicate that the person in question needs psychological help. Try to be mindful of your tone and your interactions with others, including people outside of your relationship. A great way to observe someone’s true colors is to see how they treat the “little people”. Personally, if someone I’m with is not courteous to waitstaff, that is an immediate trip to the no fly list. This goes double for your attitude towards women and minorities.
  • Aspirations
    • If your entire personality is that you consume media, be it pornography, video games, tv, etc. you will struggle in relationships. Have a goal, a plan, or a hobby. People are interested in those who are passionate about something, it’s attractive. 
  • Availability
    • You are always busy or emotionally distant. You do not have the time or the emotional security to engage in a meaningful relationship. Maybe you have something else in your life that you should take care of first, and give dating a try when you are really ready. 
  • Communication Skills and Emotional Maturity
    • If you struggle to communicate, especially in arguments, this can make it hard to maintain a relationship. Check out this article for help in this situation.
  • Bad Luck
    • Meeting a person that is compatible is greatly based on chance. Maybe you just haven’t run into the right one yet. Give it time and don’t give up.

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