Are You There Libido? It’s Me, Emma.

Warning! This is not a happy blog post, but I am trying to write more and part of that process is getting out what’s been on my mind! Things have gotten much better since the time of writing this, but I thought it was important to still publish it!

For at least the last 20 ears of my life I have masturbated at least every day. I’ve pretty much always had a pretty high libido and even if I skipped a day of self-pleasure, I’d find myself feeling horny at some point or another. Somehow, in the last month or so that has just stopped. It’s completely disappeared.

Libido Moving On

A lot of things have changed for me this summer. The biggest is that I packed myself up and moved from Florida all the way up to New York to be with my lovely boyfriend and to be closer to other content makers I could work with. This move has been a huge cause of stress for me of course. My credit card was maxed out to pay for the moving fees, my cost of living doubled, and I had about 3.5 weeks where I couldn’t even stay in my apartment because there was no internet or AC. I’ve had bouts of crushing self doubt- why did I move here? Was it smart to put myself in debt for this? What if I fail and I have to move back to my hometown? Am I actually an idiot?

Relationships

On top of this I have now gone from pretty much only online communication with my boyfriend to seeing him in person each day. This is a blessing 100% and I would NEVER want to imply that I wasn’t happy to see him, but it comes with some growing pains. You have to get used to the relationship existing in three dimensions. Moreover, my anxiety began to peak again. I’ve sent him nothing but the best pictures of me for two years. What if I’m not as attractive in real life? Do I come over too much or not enough? Am I too involved in his space? How much should I clean up after him without falling into the same trap of previous relationships where I become some sort of mommy-maid-girlfriend.

Practically living with him has a special sort of stress of it’s own. I don’t mention this much, but my better half cares for his father who tragically has an extremely severe case of early onset Alzheimer’s. In my short time here it has only gotten worse. The man is a sweetheart, truly. He is always happy, always singing or whistling, and he always wants to talk with you or be doing something with others. While we are lucky not to be experiencing the aggression that often comes with dementia the constant noise, the need for attention, the restless wandering out of the house (or into our bedroom), and the declining ability to use the bathroom properly has been less than ideal for a sexual relationship.

BC

This is probably enough to explain a drop in libido, but there is another thing that is probably affecting it most of all. I am going to put a warning here for my more sensitive readers who are uncomfortable hearing about the female reproductive system. Continue at your own risk.

The day before I moved, I had an IUD put in. I wanted to get my tubes tied to be honest, but I was pretty much talked out of it by everyone in my life. So the next best thing is a form of birth control that is placed inside my uterus and can stay for 5 years. The procedure was fine, and I made it up to m new home with no problem. Until I noticed that the bleeding from the insertion never stopped.

When I reached out to a doctor about this I was told it was normal. In fact, I may continue to bleed every day for the next three to six MONTHS. Some women have spotting for up to a full year. Great. I can honestly live with the bleeding. It sucks, but you kinda get used to it. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to be where my side effects stop. When it comes time for my period now, my breasts become fuller and my nipples more sensitive. So sensitive that sometimes they will be hard for hours, standing at attention and pulsing in pain. While my breasts became ubersensitive other seems became less so.

It feels like as the days ticked by with this evil chemical living inside my uterus, the less and less responsive my clit was. I thought at first I had simply been using my vibrator too much, so I swore them off. Two weeks later, though, and I had only managed to have one orgasm. Fast forward to today, and my clit barely delivers any pleasure when I touch it. If I rub for too long it starts to hurt. I even have tried getting drunk, which usually makes me so horny that I would fuck anything. But nothing has come of it.

Conclusion

Writing this now I have had one orgasm in the last four weeks. I worry that I may never return to my old self. And really, who am I without masturbation? It’s always been a huge part of me. I would use it as stress relief, to comfort myself, and something to do when I was bored. I’ve built this identity around loving my sexuality and loving to masturbate. I am suffering at work because without my sex drive, conversations with clients just feel disingenuous.

I don’t have any answers. When I look online it’s said that my IUD is not supposed to lower libido. Maybe it’s the stress, or maybe I am just having a rare reaction to it.  Either way, there’s not an easy solution here. No one, including myself wants to watch porn with a condom and I will need some sort of hormonal birth control if I want to work in this industry (barring sterilization). If the cause it purely stress I’m uncertain of what I can do to relieve it other than wait it out and hope that my career doesn’t tank in the meantime.

Maybe writing this is sharing too much. I think I am supposed to mostly share my victories here, my kinks, my hobbies, anything happy go lucky. But this has been all I can think about for weeks. Maybe getting it out will help, or maybe it ill just isolate me further. I suppose only time will tell.

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