BBW- My Love/Hate Relationship
For those of you that don’t know me: I’m fat. I have stretch marks, my thighs jiggle, and I have back rolls. In the porn world we call someone with my body type a BBW, which stands for Big Beautiful Woman. I’ve always had a love hate relationship with this term- mostly because I’ve had a love hate relationship with my own body.
A Constant Reminder
When I first entered the world of adult entertainment around 19 I was extremely uncomfortable with the way I looked (god, if I could have that body back!!). Growing up, I never was the girl that had a lot of attention. Middle school in particular was hard for me; boys were incredibly cruel. By the time I hit highschool I was hiding my figure with baggy clothes.
This carried onto my NSFW life; I would hide my stomach as much as I could when sending pictures and videos, and especially avoid showing it on cam- I didn’t refer to myself as a BBW very much at all. I remember a person in one of my cam shows saying “Yeah, there’s not a lot of fat girls out there that are successful. You probably won’t be very popular.”
I started thinking of the term BBW as a negative term. Yes, it sounds flattering, but in my mind it was a constant reminder of my failure to control my weight. And why wouldn’t I feel that way? My mother began criticizing my weight at age 6 and by the time I was a pre-teen it was a running joke that I was going to be so fat that I would be buried in a piano box.
Eventually, my self consciousness combined with some bad experience led me to stop putting myself out there at all. I deleted my accounts and focused on my vanilla life. In that time, I actually went a full year without taking as much as a single selfie.
How Can I Resist?
Just because I stopped posting photos doesn’t mean that I stopped interacting in NSFW spaces. I spent a lot of time on tumblr, then eventually discord. The exhibitionist urge to post photos stayed with me, and eventually I gave into it. Starting out with just cleavage shots, it was exciting to put myself out there and know that there were people I didn’t know getting turned on. Once I started sharing again, it was like a dam had burst.
I started posting faceless nudes and getting great responses, there was even a time when I sent every guy that DM’d me a series of 10 pictures unprompted, just so that I could get off to their reactions (this is funnily enough how the first conversation with my current boyfriend went). Still, I hid my stomach.
Then, came the requests for more. “Where can I buy your content?” “Do you have an onlyfans?” “Can we do a session on Skype- I’ll pay!” “I love BBW girls…” It was shocking. People wanted to see me? Why? I’d thought I was done with that time of my life and yet here I was being pulled back in.
After a few weeks of turning down offers the allure became too much. I mean, how could I resist? I won’t lie- I love money and the experiences it can provide for me and my chosen family. Sue me!
A Fat Girl Who Doesn’t Give a Fuck
It came time to begin making accounts- which meant tagging content with keywords. I was once again back to posting photos that conveniently hid my stomach and wincing every time I typed “BBW”. Slowly, and I do mean slowly, I started to show more and more, but it took a handful of my fans saying “PLEASE SHOW US YOUR STOMACH” for me to reluctantly stop hiding.
I’m not exactly sure where the switch flipped. Maybe it was the shocking success I was having selling photos, maybe it was my consciously exposing myself to HOT fat chicks, or perhaps it was the realization that no, those guys at the bar aren’t looking at you because you have something on your face. A large part had to be that the more exposure I had in kinky spaces the more I realized that there is a niche for EVERYTHING and that beauty really is way more subjective than most media would have you believe.
I started looking in the mirror and liking the person looking back at me. I felt less “ugh, look at that potato” and “oooh, I’d like to have that battered and fried thank you very much”. I fully embraced the BBW label and started being much kinder to myself. I realized how much power there was in breaking the stereotypes that are pounded into us growing up. Now I couldn’t imagine myself any other way.
Kat Hernandez, from HBO’s Euphoria said it best: “There is nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn’t give a fuck.”
Wanna see my fat fabulous body? Check out my content here.
