Should I Have Sex on Camera?
If you’re on my blog you probably already know that sex isn’t really a priority for me. Intimacy and masturbation? Yes. Penetration, not so much. Sex for me has always been a performance. Something close to exercise that I with my partner. It’s a lot of fun and it can turn me on, but for the most part it’s not going to get me anywhere near an orgasm. I had pretty much branded myself as sex free when I decided that I wanted to make my living as a sex worker.
I talked a lot about the oddity of being a greysexual sex worker before and I’ve also spent several essay sized posts talking about my love of porn. I never ever thought the two would overlap until they did and I was doing my first solo scene for a pro company. But then the questions started.
“Will you do boy girl?” “Wait, you’ll do blowjobs but not sex?” “Can I collab with you? Oh you don’t want to fuck, it’s really not worth it then…”
I don’t want to say I felt pressured, but I guess I did a little bit. But most of the pressure came from myself and not wanting to let anyone down. It was like an identity crisis. The “brand” I had built for myself was that of someone who DIDN’T do sex so in a way I felt that I would lose some of my base by performing sex on screen.
Back and forth it went.. ‘If I do have sex I’ll have more opportunities! But what if I do it and I hate it and it ruins my attitude towards porn forever! But what if I don’t hate it, maybe I’ll like it! Oh god and if I like it do I have to go back and apologize to everyone who read my blogs? Will I have to come out as a fraud??” I’m not sure if you can tell, but I’m a bit of an overthinker.
I reached out to some friends and fans and asked for their opinion, which was pretty neutral. It seemed like everyone wanted me to do whatever made me happy. Sometimes that’s even worse though, how am I supposed to know what makes me happy!
Ultimately I decided that I didn’t need to actually like to fuck to have sex on camera. It is acting after all, and it’s not like most of the porn stars we see out there are actually having the time of their life. They’re sweating under lights and doing and redoing scenes for 7 hours a day. Why can’t I?
I also realized that I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t have to stay chaste if I don’t want to and I don’t have to have sex if I don’t want to. I only have one life and if I worry about what other people want the whole time I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy.
I love porn. I love watching it and making it. I come alive on set. For the first time in my life I am excited about what I do.
Let the penetration begin.
